Killing me, Killing you
by Crazy Mokis
Summary: People can be really difficult sometimes and something clearly expected can be delayed o postponed forever. SMacked. angst, lots of it... changed the rating again.
1. To the end and back to the beginning

**Killing me, Killing you**

Author: Mònica

R: M

Summary: People can be really difficult sometimes. SMacked!

Spoilers: Season 2 finale.

A/N: I've been thinking about it for a long time. There are not enough Mac&Stella shippers. It's a good ship, I can assure you. So here we go.

**To the End… back at the beginning**

_All those dirty words (Jusqu'a la fin)  
They make us look so dumb (En plein soleil)  
We've been drinking far too much (Jusqu'a la fin)   
And neither of us mean what we say (En plein amour)_

Well you and I  
Collapsed in love  
And it looks like we might have made it  
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end  


_(To the End – Blur)_

Uncomfortable. Uneasy. That's how it felt. At least for one of them.

"I'm sorry but…"

She didn't turn.

"Stop! I know what are you going to say. I don't regret it but… you do. We can't be together, Can we?"

He didn't answer. He simply nodded.

"Fine."

She grabbed her coat and made her way to the main door. She felt the need to cry but couldn't. Not in front of him anyways.

"Stel… wait!"

She closed her eyes and sighed. She wanted to leave immediately, dig a hole and disappear. But he didn't let her go.

"What?"

"Stel… we're good? I mean… I don't want to loose your friendship. It means a lot to me. It's nearly everything I have."

She smiled. It was a sarcastic smile. He had just broken her heart into a million pieces and was only worried about how she would react the day after at work.

"We're good. You are not going to loose anything."

And with those words she closed the door and left behind her a broken dream.

Outside it was raining but she didn't care.


	2. Strange days

**Chapter 2**

_Give me a whisper  
And give me a sigh  
Give me a kiss before you  
tell me goodbye  
Don't you take it so hard now  
And please don't take it so bad  
I'll still be thinkin' of you  
And the times we had...baby_

_(Don't cry – Guns'n'Roses)_

Flack hanging between life and death had shattered everyone and Mac, the first. He spent all day next to his fellow colleague, his mind drifting from the young detective to Claire, his dead wife. But, unexpectedly, at one point his mind tricked him and thought about Stella.

He had been avoiding her since the moment he recognised in himself a non-ending growing love to his partner and friend. A love like he had only felt once. And it was scaring and strange. After seeing her lying nearly dead in her apartment, he knew he wasn't ready, and would never be, to loose someone again. So, he put all his feelings in a little box and hid them deep inside his mind.

Flack was the one to blame. Knowing he was fighting for his life, had made Mac relax in front of Stella and let his feelings emerge again. He could read the same in her eyes and, not knowing how, they ended making love in his apartment.

Now, all was lost.

A week later Flack was doing fine. In a month it was expected he would be recovered fully. Things were slowly going back to normal.

"Didn't I tell you once you'd look better without the tie?" Stella exclaimed laughing to Mac. "Come here, I'll dress you up!"

She took off his tie, unbuttoned his shirt a little and arranged his jacket. Her touch was overwhelming and awoken all senses in Mac. But he couldn't afford a mistake again so he fastly disappeared down the hall leaving Stella stupidly hanging a tie.

She had promised him things wouldn't change and she was keeping her word. But he wasn't helping.

"Hey Stel… Feeling 'k?"

"hmmm?"

"Stella is anything wrong?" Hawkes asked her again.

She closed her eyes. "No, everything's fine. I zoned out for a sec" She answered to him smiling.

"Ok. When you have a sec I'd like you to take a look to some fibres" and he left.

Stella looked at her hand again. She was still holding his tie. It was only a piece of clothes meaning a lot more than it was supposed.

She headed to the locker room, left the tie on his locker and closed the door behind her.


	3. You're lost little girl

A/N: First of all thank you all for your reviews. I knew there were smacked! You've made my day. Second, just to remind you all this is no beta-ed so all mistakes are mine. Third and last, this is just a personal paranoia!

mmmm… some disgusting situations here.

**Chapter 3: You're lost little girl**

_You're lost little girl  
You're lost little girl  
You're lost  
Tell me who  
Are you?  
I think that you know what to do  
Impossible? Yes, but it's true  
I think that you know what to do, yeah  
I'm sure that you know what to do_

_(You're lost little girl – The Doors)_

"DNA samples from the couch match with the vic and …"

Stella was trying hard to listen to what Danny was telling her but she was feeling dizzy and nauseous. She had been feeling like crap for a few days. But she wasn't sure whether it was caused by something she had eaten or by the sight of Mac flirting with Lindsay.

"Stella… are you listening to me?"

"Yes.. I'm sorry… you were saying?"

She tried hard again to listen to Danny but it resulted impossible. The need to vomit was growing and Mac and Lindsay together were unbearable.

"Flack is downtown interviewing the victim's brother and…"

Stella touched softly Danny's arm and left him to hurry to the bathroom. She closed the door behind her, got down on her knees and vomited all her breakfast. Then, feeling relieved she looked to the image the mirror was showing. She looked older, tired and unhappy.

The bathroom door opened. It was Danny.

"Stel… Are you ok?"

Stella faked a smile and told him. "I am.. just something I ate that made me feel nauseous".

"Are you sure you're ok?"

She nodded. Danny, not convinced, left the bathroom quietly.

Facing the truth, Stella was sure it wasn't something she had eaten. It was something bigger and unexpected. It was someone. First she thought it was only a slight delay on her regular period but a delay of a month was something more. Tears formed in her beautiful greenish eyes. A single mother of 38 sounded absurd. A kid born after a one night affair was surrealistic.

Door opened again.

"I knew it. You're not ok Stella" Danny said.

Stella began to cry harder and abandoned herself into Danny's arms. Comfort was needed and he was available. She cried for about ten minutes until Danny held her face between his hands and looked deeply into his eyes.

"What's worrying you Stel? You can tell me."

"Nothing. Forget about it. It's just a couple of bad days"

She left Danny in the bathroom. She wasn't ready to tell anyone about it. She doubted she would ever be ready to do it. She was in need of a good alibi.


	4. One

A/N: Thanks again for your reviews. As I told you in the other chapter this is a personal paranoia and probably a few things doesn't make sense… though after reading some things I think couples like Mac&Lindsay will make sense… it will be weird. But this is my world and here I make the rules. Hope you continue enjoying this journey with me 'cause I really do it. Thanks again!

Chapter 4: One

_Did I ask too much  
More than a lot  
You gave me nothing  
Now it's all I got  
We're one  
But we're not the same  
Well we  
Hurt each other  
Then we do it again_

_One love  
One blood  
One life  
You got to do what you should   
One life  
With each other  
One life  
But we're not the same  
We get to  
Carry each other  
Carry each other_

_( One – U2 )_

Locked in her bathroom she took the test again. Two lines. Two damned bloody lines. More than positive that should mean negative. 'Cause it was a bad thing. It represented an awkward situation. A change not expected and, unfortunately, not desired. There was only one thing left to do: to confirm the bad news. So, she called her doctor and set an appointment for a week later.

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Back at the office, things weren't better and they could get worse. It was only a matter of time. Mac was obviously searching something with Lindsay who was happy with the thought of sharing a bed with her boss. The two of them though, inside knew the only thing that would keep them together would be the need to bury their inner feelings for other people apart from their minds.

"So… we're still up tonight?" Mac asked

"Definitely. I'm looking forward to it" Lindsay answered him smiling

"Ok. Pick you up at seven."

After leaving his subordinate alone again, Mac replayed that smile in his mind. It was warm and beautiful but nothing compared to Stella big smiles. Smiles that, not long ago, were only for him but that now were nowhere to be seen. Why? Was his fault? Did he really hurt Stella bad that night two months ago?. She had kept her word and continued their friendship as if nothing had really happened. Was it only a façade?

He was unaware of it but Stella had been observing his interaction with Lindsay. It couldn't hurt more. Her desires to share a life with him were slowly disappearing and he couldn't do anything but to cry. She was a good actress but, sooner or later, someone would find out she wasn't in her best mood. And more complicated would be explaining a pregnancy.

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"I've really had a great time Mac. Who would have thought skating could be so funny?" Lindsay said laughing.

"I know. But don't say a word about my skating skills at work. I have a reputation to maintain." He answered laughing too.

He took her hand. Lindsay was looking really beautiful that night. City lights made her look even better. He had taken her to dinner and then in their way to the cinema, he had suggested her that maybe skating would be fun. And it had been.

"Mac.. "

His face turned serious. Their noses were nearly touching and he could feel her breath on his neck. She was nervous though she had imagined her first kiss in New York a lot of times before. Nearly everything was perfect.

"I've enjoyed a lot your company tonight" he said.

"Me too."

And then, he leant on her and kissed her awaiting lips. It was a tentative kiss at first but a few seconds later turned into a desperate, filled with passion, kiss. One to awake the inner envy of all the people that were in Lindsay's street.

"Wanna come up?"

He nodded.

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Stella was dressed in a hospital gown. She was waiting for her doctor to show up who was more than a quarter late. Her stomach was filled with nerves.

Finally, Dr. Monica Jerningham made her appearance.

"Hi Stella. I'm sorry for being late. Had some problems with another patient. Let's see if you're going to be a mother"

Dr. Jerningham made Stella lie down, prepared herself, put some jelly on Stella's tummy and prepared to do an ultrasound.

"Are you ready?" Dr. Jerningham said to her smiling

Stella only nodded. There was her future.

"Ok…. Let's see…. Look who's here!.. You're definitly pregnant Stella, look… this is your baby" and she pointed to what it seemed like a peanut in the screen.

"Is he fine?"

"It looks perfectly normal, Stella. Congratulations!"

Tears formed in her eyes. How something so small could be so beautiful? The moment Stella saw her unborn child on the screen all her worries disappeared. This was something worth to fight for. Even if she was alone.


	5. Promises in vain

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews… I'll never get tired of thanking you for reading my fic. I'm thinking of darkening things here, complicate them more than they are now. Let's see. Enjoy your reading!

A/N2: I've had a bad time writing this… you'll know why. BTW, if someone is interested in the music let me know it.

**Chapter 5: Promises in vain.**

_Prometo no mandar más cartas (I promise not to send more letters)  
y no pasar por aquí (and not to get here)  
Prometo no llamarte más (i promise not to call you)  
y no inventar ni mentir (and not to imagine or lie)  
Prometo no seguir viviendo así (I promise not to keep on livin' like this)  
Prometo no pensar en tí (I promise not to think of you)  
Prometo dedicarme solamente a mí (I promise to worry only about me)_

_(Promesas que no valen nada – Los Piratas)_

The dim lights of the first hour of the morning entered the room to find the new lovers embraced and sleeping. It was a beautiful image, just like a postcard and for a moment it seemed to be the happiest place on earth.

He was the first to awake. He lost himself in the hair of the woman he was cuddling. It smelled good, fresh and fruity. The skin was soft. He planted a few kisses on the woman's neck making her giggle.

"I'm ticklish there, you know" Lindsay said.

Mac returned to reality. Last night had been wonderful and while he was making love he knew the woman was Lindsay. But, in the morning, for a few seconds he had had the idea that Stella was between his arms.

"Feelin' fine?" She asked

"More than that" he answered kissing her fully on the lips.

"Great…. 'cause I hope we get to do it again"

"Definitely"

In less than a sec his body was over her again enjoying every inch of her skin. After five years, he was still good at making love.

An hour later, they finally got up of the bed, shared a shower together and had breakfast. It was time to discuss where all that love was leading to.

"Are you sure about this?... about us being together?" he asked

"Yes" and she kissed him again. "I'm glad we've finally made it."

"Me too. But what about people at work?" and more important what about Stella he thought.

"They don't have to know. At least not immediately. We'll take things slow"

He looked at her and smiled. She returned the smile. She was making coffee with only her bathrobe on and looked incredibly sexy. He stood up, went by her side and encircled her with his strong arms.

"I don't regret a single thing"

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Morning nauseas had disappeared and now everything was about hormones. Stella was feeling a lot better physically but she'd cry for the most stupid things, like the night before, when she saw a commercial on TV that involved a baby and a teddy bear.

She had been thinking a lot about how telling to her colleagues that she was going to be a mom. More difficult it would be telling Mac now that he was reaching to somewhere with Lindsay Monroe, former friend of hers and Danny's last love interest.

She was thinking about the commercial while waiting with Hawkes for Mac to come in. Their boss had settled them for a meeting about the case they were working on, in his office. And he was being strangely late.

"Do you know why he is late?" Hawkes asked her.

"Dunno"

"mmm… Ok"

She was pretty sure, though, what was the reason their boss was being late but she didn't wanted to tell Hawkes. She had started thinking about Mac as only her boss since the first time she saw him flirting with Lindsay. It was obvious he had no interest in her and lately it seemed obvious he didn't even want her friendship. That's why she came up finally with a pretty good story about her pregnancy.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm more than fashionable late. Traffic"

Stella and Hawkes exchanged glances sharing the thought they didn't believe a word. Mac got rid of his jacket and started talking about work. Stella was not paying attention and was disturbing the boys by beating her pen on the table.

"Ok.. that's all for now. Keep me informed…." Mac said

Stella didn't react and that caught Mac's attention.

"Stella…Stella… Is everything ok?"

Stella looked at him with hate in her eyes and sarcastically smiling.

"Everything is fine, really fine."

She left without saying goodbye and leaving Mac astonished.

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"Mac seems to be more relaxed these past few days" Flack commented to Hawkes and Danny Messer that were sharing breakfast with him.

"Guess it's love"

They all turned their heads to the new visitor. Stella was leaning against the door.

"Mind if I join you?"

Danny stood up and got Stella a chair. Flack and Hawkes were still looking at her confused.

"Mac and love don't go in the same sentence, Stella" Hawkes said.

"Well then let's say sex, desire, lust, the need of not being alone… whatever you want to call it. I'll have a two and a coke" Stella said to the waitress.

"No way… Mac going out with someone? Is it April's fool?" Flack said

Messer laughed at Flack's joke. But he was sure Stella was right. He had also noticed Lindsay and Mac.

"Just answer me something Flack" Stella said looking seriously at him "Where's Lindsay?"

"She said she had some things to finish in the lab and to grab something for her so she could have breakfast later."

Stella's face seemed to shout 'there you have your answer about Mac'. Flack looks changed from surprise to astonishment to disgust in a few seconds.

"So it's true. Thought I was the only one who had noticed it." Danny said.

"Life has strange turns" Stella said to Messer. "By the way, now that you are all here I want to tell you something…. It may be surprising but…."

"You are scaring us Stel" Hawkes said

"I'm pregnant"


	6. Rest in pieces

A/N: I know, I know…. It's been a month but recent spoilers about season 3 made me think about the convenience of continuing this fic…. But after all, this is fiction, isn't it? So I've made this world mine. And …. I want to know how they end.

**Chapter 6: Rest in pieces**

_Look at me… my deep perception must be off again_

'_cause this hurts deeper than I thought it then_

_It has not healed with time_

_It just shot down my spine._

_You look so beautiful tonight_

_Reminds me how you laid us down_

_In gently smiles …_

_Before you destroyed my life._

_( Rest in pieces – Saliva )_

Strange looks were on the faces of the people that surrounded Stella. That news were like a bomb. She looked at them searching understanding and support but all she could see was her friends' astonishment. Danny was the first to say something.

"When? Who? How? … I mean I know how babies are made but… how?"

"Nearly three months ago. One night-stand. How? … I think it's obvious." It wasn't the whole truth but she hadn't lied.

"Three months ago I was at the hospital…" Flack observed.

"Yes."

"Sorry but I don't get it…" Danny said.

Stella looked at them. Sure they were her friends but they were men and it would be a lot more difficult to make them understand women also had one-night stands. They were on the 21st century but still, some things, hadn't changed so much.

"It's easy to understand Danny. I made love with someone and obviously our "protection" didn't work well enough. Come on Danny! You're not that hard".

"Do we know the father?" Flack asked.

That was the hardest question. And she was going to be asked it a lot. She could have said the truth but she was too resented with Mac to tell it. He had made it clear. Their night together had been a mistake, then, the baby was a mistake too. Plus, now he was with Lindsay.

"Stella…" Flack said again.

She closed her eyes finding it difficult to lie to her friends but knowing it was the right thing to do.

"No. I met him in a bar. We were together only once. I don't even know his full name."

"Are you goin' to tell him?" Danny asked

"No. That night was a mistake. It was only sex not the start of a relationship and I couldn't find him even if I would."

"So… you're goin' to be a mom?" Hawkes asked.

"Yeah…" Stella answered him smiling.

"Then… Congratulations are in order".

Hawkes stood up and went to where Stella was to hug her. He knew something was wrong in Stella's story but didn't want to pressure her at all. One by one, they all three hugged Stella and wished her all the best.

"Stel… Are we goin' to have a nephew or a niece?" Danny asked.

"It's too early to know it Danny boy but, I'm sure you all will make great uncles".

And finally they all breathed again and laughed.

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Sitting on her lab, studying the pics of her most recent crime scene, she couldn't help but to observe them together. They were flirting, laughing, sharing confidences and probably they were very involved by now. She could have been Lindsay.

Since they had first met, she had felt something for him. Sure, it wasn't love at first and even if it had been, she wouldn't have done anything about it because he was already with Claire. But with the years, that strange feeling from the first time had turned into a deep friendship and love. She enjoyed their moments together and gathered them in her memory only to replay them later at home. And she had done it too even while she was in a relationship with someone else.

Then, on a September morning, Claire died and their worlds were turned upside down. She spent with Mac the darkest hours and helped him through all the process forgetting about her feelings for a while. Friendship was, then, more important.

They say that time heals everything. Five years later, things were slowly going back to normal and her love for him surfaced again. Finally, they had their night together. But the morning hadn't been what Stella had dreamt about.

"Stella…"

"Yes" she said lifting her face from the microscope.

"I want to talk to you."

"Sure. I'll meet you later" she answered returning to the microscope.

"Now. It's important. It's something about what I've been told recently that involves you…"

It was obvious what he wanted to talk about.


	7. Walk away

A/N: I've really enjoyed writing this chapter. Hope you like reading it and thanks to everyone that has reviewed this story. Thank so you much for being in this journey with me. More to come.

**Chapter 7: Walk away**

_Oh no … here comes that sun again  
that means another day … without you my friend_

_And it hurts me… to look into the mirror at myself  
and it hurts even more … to have to be with somebody else  
and it's so hard to do… and so easy to say  
but sometimes… sometimes you just have to walk away  
walk away_

_( Walk Away – Ben Harper )_

Stella followed Mac quietly through the entire lab to his office. Not a word was exchanged, not even a glance. He was getting angrier with every second it went and she didn't seem to find a good explanation to tell him.

"Close the door." Mac told her.

Stella did as told and waited patiently for Mac to make himself comfortable.

"Please, take a sit"

"I'm fine" she answered.

Mac sighed in despair. Clenching his teeth together, he said:

"Will you please take a sit?"

Stella observed him. He was trying hard to control his emotions but he was like a bomb ready to explode. She knew it was going to be hard for him and finally agreed to his petition.

"Fine."

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked him.

He laughed high and sarcastically.

"You tell me"

"If you aren't more explicit…." She said

He stood up, put his hands on the table and looked at her angrily.

"Come on Stella… Are you mocking me?... I know you're pregnant"

"Then… why bother asking?"

"You know why."

He was giving his back to her. Looking through the window of his office, he tried to calm. She thought for a moment about telling him the truth but soon she rejected the idea realizing it would only make things go worse.

"What do you want to know? If you're the father?"

He turned around to face her. His eyes were filled with angst, fear, sadness and angriness. She was also having mixed emotions.

"You have nothing to worry about it"

"Then if it's not mine… from who?" he asked

"I guess this is none of your business."

"Don't give me that crap. Who is it? Do I know him?

'You know him more than you think' Stella thought. Did he deserve an explanation? An explanation that wasn't true?

"No you don't know him. Just some guy that I met in a bar"

"Are you having a baby from a man you have only seen once?" Mac asked not believing it.

"It doesn't take too much, does it?" Stella said now being the one who was sarcastic.

"You're unbelievable." Mac said to her, putting his hand on his face and sighing deeply.

"Look who's talking"

"I'm not the one who is pregnant from a night-stand"

"No.. you're only the one who runs away after a night-stand"

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"What do you think they're talking about?" Danny asked Hawkes, who was by his side pretending they worked on some fibres.

"What do you think?" Hawkes answered him. "It's obvious. And Mac doesn't seem happy to know Stella is going to be a mom".

"It's not like he cares…. He's with Lindsay now" Danny said sadly.

Hawkes observed his friend. Everything was wrong. That was not how things were supposed to be. The voices from the office were rising up in volume and both of the contenders were more and more infuriated with every second it went.

"20 bucks she says the last word" said Danny to Hawkes putting a 20 on the table.

"Ok… 20 against…. Mac's gonna end the conversation."

The sound of a slapped face made everyone in the lab turned their heads to Mac's office.

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Mac put his hand on his red cheek. She really knew how to hit. Physical pain was beginning to fade but the angriness between them grew a little more. By then, they had moved their argument to the door of his office. Everyone was staring at them.

"I could have you suspended for that."

"Do it." Stella said daringly.

"Stella…" Mac said to her in warning tone of voice.

"I've said: do it! I'm not going to beg you to forgive me for slapping you."

Mac knew she had every reason to hit him but he was far too angry with her to accept her behaviour, so he took the worst decision he could take.

"You're suspended of job and pay for a full month"

"Fuck you!"

And Stella did have the last word.


	8. Confusion

Disclaimer: I do not own a single thing.

A/N: First of all, many many thanks to all the people that reviews this story. It makes me feel real good. Second, i still don't know how many chapters are left to go. Third and last, this is not beta-ed so all the mistakes are mine. Read and enjoy!

Chapter 8: Confusion

_Confusion will be my epitaph.  
As I crawl a cracked and broken path  
If we make it we can all sit back  
and laugh.  
But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying,  
Yes I fear tomorrow I'll be crying._

_(Epitaph – King Crimson)_

An angry Stella passed in front of Danny and Hawkes, still chewing insults. They didn't have time to warn Flack, who had just entered the lab, not to mess with Stella.

"Stella!" he called her and she turned around to stare at him with a killing look in her eyes.

"You don't look good" Flack said

Stella put a sarcastic smile on her face. "Don't I look good to you Flack? Why? I'm the happiest woman alive right now. Don't I seem happy to you Don?" she said putting big emphasis in the last words leaving Flack not knowing what to do or say. "'Cause I'm happy you know. It has only taken me a slap on Mac's face to finally get rid off of this office, Mac and three colleagues that, obviously, don't know how to keep their mouths closed".

And then she left, leaving behind her, a whole astonished lab.

Having regained his breath, Flack approximated his friends.

"What the hell was that? Is she really suspended?" Danny and Hawkes nodded in response.

"Why? She didn't slap Mac's face, did she?" The duo nodded again.

"Holy shit!"

"Oh yes!... and she ended the conversation with a nice 'fuck you'… By the way Hawkes, you owe me 20 bucks".

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Mac couldn't believe how things have changed in the past few months. Standing by the window, looking at the city that never sleeps, he thought about the last events. Succumbing that night to Stella's arms had been like a blow of fresh summer breeze making him feel incredibly alive and happy. But, he had a very rational mind and what had given some freedom to him turned into a great sense of guilty and treason. Claire's memory was still holding over his head, large and dark. Anyways, something was changing, and though he was afraid, he was moving on.

It was hard to know Stella and not love her. Independent, strong, smart, gorgeous, sexy… she had everything a man could desire for. And Mac was no exception. From the very first moment they had met, he had noticed she was a very special woman. His feelings went no further while he was still with Claire, but after her death, what was a deep friendship grew into something more.

Why couldn't he let go with her? The answer seemed obvious. His heart had been broken badly once, it was still healing and it sure couldn't take another break again, so it was safe to be with Lindsay, a smart, funny, good-looking girl but nothing more. It had seemed a very good plan at first but looking at peoples reactions, it didn't seem so good anymore.

His mind returned to the fight with Stella. She was right. He didn't have the right to ask her about the father of her child. But she was also wrong. He did care for her a lot. More than she would ever know. Another theme was to find the right words to show it to her without revealing too much. His heart was also a little bit disappointed. He had really wanted this child to be his.

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Stella was cleaning her desk and she was still looking angry and murmuring bad words. Who the hell did he think he was? He had not only broken her heart into million pieces but had left her without the second most important thing in her life: her work.

"So the rumours are true… You've been suspended… What happened?" Lindsay asked.

"Ask your boyfriend" Stella replied harshly.

Lindsay let go a deep sight. This was the conversation she feared the most and had been avoiding for a few days.

"Stella….I…"

"What? Don't tell me you feel sorry for me 'because you're with him and I'm not"

"Things happen"

"Yeah… things happen… sad the bad ones only happen to me."

"That's called making you a victim"

"Who died and made you so smart?" Stella's face was growing in red as she was getting more and more angry.

"I care for him" Lindsay said

"I do love him. That's a big difference. But it's not enough and, sincerely right now, I don't give a damn about it."

Rain always seemed to accompany her because it was storming when she left the NYPD building.


	9. Sorrow

A/N: I know this next chapter may be kind of boring but it's necessary to continue with the rest of the story. Hope you enjoy it!. And thanks again for the reviews.

Chapter 9: Sorrow

_Fool enough to almost be it  
Cool enough to not quite see it  
Doomed  
Pick your pockets full of sorrow  
And run away with me tomorrow  
June _

We'll try and ease the pain  
But somehow we'll feel the same  
Well, no one knows  
Where our secrets go

_(Mayonaise – Smashing Pumpkins)_

Lindsay was still in Stella's office. She had always noticed the connection between Mac and Stella but never thought it could run so deep. 'I do love him' Stella had said. Love was a big word and it had to be pronounced carefully though she was sure, Stella, had given the topic a lot of thinking.

Someone was approaching and by the sound of the footsteps, she knew it was Danny.

"If you're looking for Stella, you're late. She has already left."

"Yes I was" he said. He was ready to leave but her hand stopped him.

"She loves him"

"I know"

"You know?"

Danny wondered why he knew. Past situations ran through his mind showing Stella and Mac in many different scenarios with he as the main spectator. His memories about them had pictures for each one of the stages the pair had crossed before falling in love.

"Yeah… I know. I think everyone here does"

"I obviously didn't…. until now"

"You haven't been around long enough, but you've been here enough to notice other things." He said

"What do you mean?" she asked him suspiciously

"Figure them out by yourself, Montana"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A month. She'd be nearly five months pregnant when returning to work. She would have no one to accompany her to the preparatory classes, no one to rub her feet late at night, no one to brink her chocolate ice-cream at 4 o'clock in the morning if she had a pregnant craving. She would have to face everything alone and that scared her more than facing death everyday at work. Another life would depend on her ability to sort and survive the dangers that filled every day's life.

"I'll fight for you. I'll help you through everything. I'll always be your side little baby" she said loud while caressing her tummy.

She sat on the couch and took a deep breath. There were so many things she wanted to tell her baby about but only one was really important.

"Someday you'll ask me who is your father and I won't have an answer. I know who he is but he won't be a part of our lives for reasons you, sure, wouldn't understand right now. But I want you to know, he's a great man, smart, considered, honest and that everyday, with his job, makes this world a better place."

She couldn't continue. Tears were flowing vividly from her eyes wetting her cheeks and lips.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Hi babe"

Mac found his girlfriend preparing supper on the kitchen counter and couldn't help but to embrace her from behind placing a kiss on her neck.

"Hi there" Lindsay answered back.

"What's for dinner? It smells good"

"Pasta"

"mmm… I like it…" he said embracing her again and burying his face on her hair. Lindsay liked the feeling but her mind was far from there and Mac noticed it.

"Is something wrong?" he asked

"No"

"Lindsay… you can tell me everything. I hope you know that."

"It's nothing… really."

Mac studied Lindsay's face. It was obvious she was hiding something and he was sure it was related with the incident involving Stella.

"It's about Stella…"

Lindsay didn't answer but her face told Mac everything he needed to know.

"Did she say something bad to you?" he asked.

"What? … No, no. It wasn't a friendly conversation but she wasn't harsh with me. She said something that was surprising and then Danny, somehow confirmed it."

"I don't know if it can be good if Danny is involved."

"She said she loves you."

Mac knew it but it always sounded strange and huge. It was difficult to believe that someone like Stella could love him but, right then, he was more worried about what Lindsay might had thought about it.

"And then, Danny came and we talked about it and said you two love each other. He said everyone in the labs notices the feelings between you two. I hadn't noticed it."

"That's because there are no feelings to be noticed. Stella and I shared a good friendship that is not having its best moments and nothing more. I'm with you now and that's all that matters to me. I like being with you."

"And I like being with you too."

They kissed and kissed and kissed until finally they made it to the room and as always, each one of them had their body on the bed and their mind far away.


End file.
